Tonight when you do your bedtime routine with your little one as them this question… "Do I ever embarrass you? You may think this is a funny question. However I guarantee you, this is something that your kid is dealing with on a regular basis. A lot of times we say things, and we are not aware of the impacts that they are having on our children. We may think that we are sharing a funny story about something that happened last week. However, they see it as you telling something private that happened at home and is extremely embarrassing to them. The problem is, since you are the parent, they may feel like they don't have the "authority" to tell you not to talk about that specific situation. That's why it is important for you to open the door, with these types of questions so that you can get an understanding of what your child may be feeling or going through, but are too scared to say to you.
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When you talk with your child, make sure that they understand that they will not get in trouble and that this is an open conversation between the two of you. They have to be they have to feel safe and secure in order for them to be open and for you to get honest answers from them. Otherwise, the conversation will not go as planned. So you may need to say something like, "I want to ask you a question, and it may seem silly, but I want you to understand that you will not get in trouble and nothing you can say will change how much I love you. I just want you to give me your honest opinion about the question, so that I can make sure that I am not doing things that are upsetting you."
If they say "yes". Don't think that you are a horrible parent or that you have scarred your child for life. Kid's are pretty resilient by nature because they are so dependent on us as their primary caretaker. What is important to to again not make them feel bad because they said "yes". Instead you want to be encouraging and thank them for being honest. Also letting them know that the only way that things can change is if they are communicated. If you act negatively towards then or make them feel uncomfortable in any way then they will think twice about answering honestly the next time that you want to have a "open and honest" conversation.Finally, make a plan for next time. Brainstorm some ideas together of things that they can do when they feel like you are embarrassing them. Maybe come up with a general list of things that they are okay with you talking about (make sure that you stick to that list). Or maybe they will prefer that you ask them first before you say or do something that has to do with them. Whatever the plan is make sure that you both agree and make sure to follow through with it. They are trusting you!So they have told you that you embarrassed them… Now what??? Ask them if they remember the last time that you embarrassed them. This will help you get an understanding as to what type of things that you could be saying or doing that causes them to feel embarrassed. Be open to hear what they have to say…. Even if what they are saying seems insignificant to you, its time to show empathy. Try to see things from there point of view, we are all different and some of us have thicker skin than others. The point is to hear that they are saying and letting them know that you hear them. Be an active listener. Don't tell them "this is silly… you shouldn't feel that way." Our job is to help our kids identify their emotions and be confident in what they are feeling. Not having us make them second guess themselves and how they feel.
After you have figured out, what it is that you may be saying or doing that is causing your kid to be embarrassed, the next question you should ask is "How does that make you feel?" Now we are not looking for the "I feel embarrassed" because of course we already know that. What we are trying to understand is "why" it made them feel embarrassed. Maybe its because something make them feel like they were acting like a "baby' even though they know they are 8 years old. Or maybe its because they feel like you are laughing at them like they are a joke. See if you can figure out what it is that may be bothering them.
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